


Quixotic Series 1: Q is for Quixotic

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-21
Updated: 2003-01-21
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:00:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Mulder plans a seduction, Scully turns the tables on him.





	Quixotic Series 1: Q is for Quixotic

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Quixotic Series 1: Q is for Quixotic

## Quixotic Series 1: Q is for Quixotic

### by Donnilee
    
    
    TITLE:      Q is for Quixotic
    AUTHOR:     Donnilee
    RATING:     NC-17
    

WARNING: Descriptive sex. Smut warning. **CATEGORY: MSR / ANGST**

SUMMARY: Mulder plans a seduction, Scully turns the tables on him. 

SPOILERS: Little ones. Minor references to characters from other episodes. This one won't hurt a bit. 

DISCLAIMER: Nope. Not mine. Used shamelessly and without remorse. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and god knows who else, but not me. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just a smut biscuit from the word go. Playful, I hope. 

DEDICATION: This one is dedicated to the Orange Tabby Cat who expressed a deep dark wish for Mulder in leather, with razor stubble and loads of confidence, knowing exactly what he wants from Scully. It may not exactly fit the bill, but I tried. I'll do better next time. I think I also remember her saying, many, many moons ago that she was partial to Mulderbation and Scullybation stories. Well, I threw that in here too! Enjoy TabbyCat. Hope this makes you purr and knead your claws! 

**THE OFFICIAL SCRABBLE PLAYERS DICTIONARY/THIRD EDITION**

quixotic - adj., pl. - S - extremely idealistic. 

Quixote - n., pl. - S - a quixotic person. 

* * *

* * *

**PART 1 (NC-17)**  
**HOOVER BUILDING**  
**BASEMENT OFFICE**  
**FRIDAY - 5:00 PM**

I've been sneaking looks at my partner for the last half hour. She sits demurely in her chair, her head bent over a file she is reading, pencil tapping her swollen bottom lip. Her wire frame glasses are perched on her nose. They slide down periodically and her middle finger will absently reach up and shove them delicately up her nose to the bridge. 

She squints slightly at something and licks her lips. I swallow convulsively as I feel my dick harden and scoot my chair a little further under the desk, to hide the lovely tent that has appeared in my slacks. Christ, I ache for her, literally. And she has no idea. 

The stubborn lock of hair that is just too short to stay put keeps falling forward to brush her pale cheek. Again, she absently pushes it back behind her ear, exposing the flesh beneath her ear where her pulse beats languidly. I imagine that I can see her pulse and imagine pressing my lips to that spot. God, I wonder if she is prone to moaning? The thought creates an adverse effect and I am the one that moans, softly. But she hears it. 

Her head lifts and she peers at me inquiringly. "Mulder, are you all right? Is your stomach upset?" 

I snap out of my daydream and realize I have made a sound, maybe a moan. I place my hand on my stomach and look at her stupidly. 

"Mulder?" she asks again. 

"I, uh, yeah, I don't feel so well." Seriously, Scully, I'm hiding a boner under this desk that is in serious need of attention. 

"You look flushed. Are you sure you don't have a fever?" 

"Uh, no." I'm flushed but not because I'm sick. Fever? Only for you babe. If you only knew! 

She steps out of her chair, her hips tilting forward slightly as she slides out of the chair that is a little too high for her. I close my eyes to block out the slow motion vision of that little maneuver. I have never met a woman that is so unconsciously enticing, so unwittingly sensual. She has no idea. It still amazes me. 

The way she moves, with a calm assurance, a liquid grace, even when perched on top of three inch, black pump, fuck-me heels. 

I open my eyes as I feel her draw near and look up into her concerned face. She reaches out and places a cool hand on my brow. I sigh in relief. The coolness calms the sweat that has broken out on my hair line. 

But the heat just jumped a notch in my shorts. My cock twitches urgently in reaction to her touch as if to say, 'Hey, I'm down here, did you forget me? Attention, attention please!' 

She frowns. "You feel hot, Mulder. You should take some aspirin and rest before you really come down with something." 

Down with something? Did somebody say go down? Oh, come down. Come? Oh, shit, aaannnyyy minute now! 

My hormone soaked brain produces only two words. "Uh, O.K." I follow this up with a dignified grunt. 

She frowns again as she removes her hand. I'm waiting for her to retreat, feeling my towering hard-on brush the underside of the draw of my desk. There is no way in hell I'm standing up until she moves away. 

Think about dead kittens, liver-eating mutants, Skinner in the bathtub. Nope, not working. Zombies, flesh falling off, flukeman. Nope. Rosanne Barr? Ahhh, that did it. The pulsing diminishes between my legs and deflates slightly. She sighs and moves back to her desk. 

I stand quickly and whip my suit jacket off the back of my chair, putting it on hastily and buttoning it up to cover the 'real cause of said flushing.' 

"Thanks, Scully," I manage to croak out. She nods and frowns again, her eyes following me to the door. 

"Call me if you need anything, Mulder. I'm only a phone call away." 

Oh boy! If you only knew what I needed, honey. How about a blow job? That might take care of things. Think you can do that, Scully? 

Red pouting lips wrapped around my aching cock. Oops. Bad thought. The little head is surging up towards the ceiling again, asking, 'Now? Blow job, now?' Down little man. We have to get out of here first. 

"Uh, yeah, thanks." How the hell does this woman reduce my vocabulary to grunts and one syllable words? Unreal. "Later." 

Ooo, a two syllable word. Things are improving. I hurry out the door. Once in the hall, I press the flat of my hand against my dick, pinning it to my body and rubbing once, hard, just to give it some relief and let it know that I haven't forgotten it. It sighs in relief and agrees to wait. Each step towards the elevator and away from the wafting smell of her light perfume and the little man shrinks back into his hole, unhappy but resigned. 

I break every traffic law known to man on the way to Arlington and sigh when I pull up in front of my building. I nearly run into my building and tap my foot impatiently as the ancient elevator carries me to the fourth floor. My keys are out and in my hand before I reach the door, nearly sliding to a halt. 

* * *

**FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT**  
**FRIDAY - 5:40 PM**

Keys. Keys. Oops, wrong key. Ahhh, there it is. Right key. Insert Tab A into Slot B. Oh God, I have to do something, NOW! 

I kick the door closed behind me, ripping off my $1,000 Armani jacket and dropping it on the floor near the door. I undo three buttons and rip the shirt over my head, letting it fall on the dinette table. Toe to heel, one shoe. Toe to heel, second shoe. Belt. Belt. Get the damn belt off. 

Yank, pull, yank. The leather sings as I whip it out of the belt loops, dropping it on the coffee table. Button, zipper, slide. Pants are around the ankles. Perfect pirouette, boxers down to the knees and take the 'Nestea Plunge!' 

Splash down. My back hits the couch with unerring accuracy and my hot skin bounces on the cool leather once. Hands, do your thing. Left hand on below balls. Lift and squeeze, gently. Gently. Right hand, engage joy stick. Grip. Grip. Hard. Ahhhhh. Yeah! Stroke. 

Spread the pre-cum with the thumb. Tease the ridge on the back side. Oh yeah! Stroke, Stroke, Stroke. 

Pulse, Throb. Pulse, Throb. Pulse, Throb. Faster now. Faster, even faster. Grunt. Grunt. Grunt. 

Smack. Smack. Smack. Ahhh, the sound of my hand hitting a now sweaty groin, pre-cum greasing the way for my callused palm. Sure grip. Increase speed, brush balls with bottom side of hand on the down stroke. 

OH YEAH! Scully. Scully. Pale skin. Red lips. Flushed cheeks. Scully's tight little ass clenching as she walks. Tattoo. Red lips. More red lips. No lipstick. Sliding over my greased shaft. 

"Aaaahhhh, fuck!" Smack. Smack. Smack. 

She's hanging on tight. She's bobbing up and down. She's sucking for all she's worth. Look at those cheeks hollow out with the suction. 

Spine tingling. She's sucking. Balls coiling. She's sucking. Shaft hot, hard, ready to explode. 

She looks up at me. 

"OH FUCK YEAH!!" Hips bucking. Buck hard once. Buck hard twice. Buck hard - three times the charm! FINALLY! 

Clench. Spurt. Clench. Spurt. Clench spurt. "Scccuuulllyyy! Ohhhh, maaaannn! Oh, FUCK ME!" 

O.K. O.K. O.K., I'm O.K. now. Body dissolving into a boneless heap. Chest and hand a mess, pubic hairs nasty and sticky. Mouth - dry as a bone. Breathing heavy. Slow down. Slow down. 

Cold, getting cold in here. Sweating in the cold. Up, Mulder. Up. You can do it, man! Shower. Got to shower. Don't fall asleep in a puddle of your own spunk. 

Up man. There we go. Whoa! Knees wobbly, legs a little unsure. That's right. One foot in front of the other. A little further. Just a little further. 

Inside the stall old man. Water, hot water. Ahhhhh, yeah. Soap, probably should use soap. Just get cleaned up, then nap. 

Gotta stop doing this. It's ridiculous. Scully, you're going to be the death of me. Maybe I should just let you see one of my boners the size of the Leaning Tower of Piza, just to see what your reaction is. 

Would you be embarrassed? Of course you would. Would it make you proud to know that you've driven me, a 40 year old man to the point that I have to race away from our office and go home to jack off? Sometimes I don't even make it that far. Sometimes I just go to the john, lock myself in the stall and beat the meat, fast and furious till I come, biting my tongue to keep quiet. 

Then and only then can I return to the confines of that small office and have your perfume, your presence, and your glistening lips and flashing eyes on me and actually be able to do something productive. 

Sometimes, I only make it to the parking garage. Sliding behind the wheel, pushing the seat back and yanking my cock right out through my zipper. The car is tricky. Don't want to ruin the suits or the upholstery. I've taken to carrying a huge box of tissues in the car. It's taken up residence on the back seat. Gotta be prepared, you know! 

Ahhh, shit. I HAVE to do something about this. I want the real thing. This fantasy bullshit is fun and all, but it's just driving me nuts. I mean, I jack off thinking about you, but, Scully, it just makes me want you more. I just came, visions of you dancing behind my eyelids. And already I feel empty and unfulfilled, a mere three minutes later, hot water sluicing over my open pores. 

It's just a band aid. Jack off so you can function. I'm 40 years old, for Christ's sake. I shouldn't even be getting hard three or four times a day! But I am, Scully. Oh boy, I am. 

I think, it's time to put a plan of action together. It's definitely time. I can't fucking stand it anymore. It's been a long time, but I can do it. I can still seduce a woman. I know I can. 

But you're not just any woman, are you? No. No. No. You're my partner, my colleague, my friend, a doctor, an agent, and a scientist. And you are the most complicated woman I have ever known. Seven years and I still don't have a clue what goes on in that pretty little head of yours. 

Don't you ever get lonely, Scully? Like I do. Don't you ever get horny, Scully? Hard to picture when your buttoned up in those Donna Karen business suits with your blouse buttoned up to your neck. But I know you must. You're a healthy, normal woman. You haven't had any in a while. 

At least I hope not. I'd like to think I would know. 

And you are 37 years old. Still at her sexual peak! Sexual peak! Ahhh, shit, little man Mulder is stirring restlessly again at the mere thought of a sexually peaking Scully. 

Peeking? High, firm, full tits with coral nipples and goose bumped areola. Ooo, how I want to lick and squeeze and suck on your entire body. SHIT! I HAVE TO STOP THIS! 

Plan. Plan. I need a plan. 

O.K., dinner first. Yeah, that's it. Dinner first, candlelight, nice Italian restaurant. Maybe a little dancing to mood music. Back to her place, put on the music. Wine, bottle of light, dry wine. Roses. Yeah, have the roses delivered while we're out to dinner. Card. What would I put on the card. 'I love you. Fancy a fuck?' 

No, don't think that would fly! Lady, Mulder. She's a lady, treat her that way. I will. I can. I know I can. At least until I feel skin. Then I want to fuck her till she doesn't know her own name! 

Slow down. Seduction is the name of the game. I need to create the ideal date, the ideal set of circumstances. No detail is too small. She likes me in a turtleneck. I know she does. She always comments on my clothes when I wear a turtleneck. Black jeans. Yeah, I see her smile of approval when I wear the black jeans, the broken in ones that are slightly faded. I wonder if she ever checks out my ass? It's still firm, not bad for a guy of 40, if I do say so myself. 

Shit, the water's getting cold. This damn building is a rat hole. Never enough hot water. Get out. Where are the damn towels? Just use this dirty one. Then to the bedroom for some comfy clothes. I have a lot of planning to do. Sweats, check. Tee shirt, check. Underwear? Fuck 'em. Ready. O.K., now. 

The couch. Settle in. Lay back. Close the eyes. Think. I want the perfect date. The perfect evening. The perfect seduction. I'm going to do this. Really, I am. And if I chicken out. Well, then, I'll have fun planning. 

I mentioned a haircut the other day and she told me not to cut it. That was weird, I didn't expect a comment. Just told her I was going to go on my lunch hour and get it cut and she blurted out, 'No! Mulder, don't cut it!' 

I'd looked at her like she was nuts. She'd blushed and turned away and little Mulder had danced a happy little jig in the hot house below my belt. She liked my hair a little longer. I may never cut it again. 

Hmmm, should I shave? Should I be the quintessential G-man that she is used to seeing? Just to sort of ease her into the night's activities? No. I don't want to resemble the man she works with. Tomorrow morning, I'm not going to shave, let it grow. By 5:00 or 6:00, it'll itch but I should have a good face of stubble going on. I've always had a nice even facial hair thing happening. O.K., so turtleneck, jeans, loafers? Yeah. Loafers. Stubble, hair spiked up. 

Leather. She loves leather, I know she does. She always comments on my black leather bomber jacket. Says she loves the smell of leather. She likes the other jacket too, the brown one that hangs low and ties around the waist. I don't wear it very often. Bomber jacket. Go with the bomber jacket. 

O.K., recap. Wine, roses, dinner, turtleneck, black jeans, bomber jacket, loafers, stubble, uncut hair. No spikes, just let it dry naturally and comb it back. It will fall once it's dry. It always does. Makes that stupid lock of hair fall on my forehead. I hate it, but for you, Scully, I'll leave the hair and let it fall. O.K., now, the hard part. 

Call her. Call her tonight, ask her to dinner. Excuse? Do I need an excuse? No. Tired of excuses and then she'll think it's work related. We sometimes discuss cases over dinner at a diner or something to avoid the potential possibility of being overhead on planted bugs. The Gunman sweep our apartments, but I know the office is bugged, so... no excuse. 

Ask her out on a real date. She will want to know why. Have an answer ready. Just because? No, that won't be good enough. Because I just want to take you out and for us to have a good time and relax for a change? 

Yeah. That should work. We're friends, aren't we Scully? I should be able to take my friend out to dinner. But before the night is over, if all goes according to plan ... we will be a LOT more than friends. 

Oh, just the thought of a day coming when I don't have whack off anymore on a regular basis puts a smile on my face. I have it down to a science, really, but I'm sick of my own hand. 

O.K., Scully, look out. Mulder's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not to mention sexually frustrated and denied what he wants. I don't deserve, but by God, I'm going to have you if it's the last thing I do. 

Yeah, look out Scully. Your partner's on the move ... and he has PLAN. 

* * *

**PART 2 (NC-17)**  
**DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT**  
**FRIDAY - 6:00 PM**

Thank God I'm finally home. What a day! My partner drove me absolutely nuts today! Damn me for a hormonal, horny fool. I should shoot myself. Here he is all flushed with fever, looking up at me with that puppy dog look mixed with a slight grimace of pain and all I can think of is whether the rest of his skin would be as hot as his forehead. 

It took me ten minutes of controlled breathing to get my nipples to subside and my crotch to stop throbbing. Shit. Why do I want the one man I can't have. He's your partner, Dana, remember that! Don't go there. 

Bath, I need a bath. Jacket off. On the hanger. Skirt off, fold over the hanger. Blouse off, in the hamper. Kick the shoes off. Yeah! Ahhh, relief. My feet are killing me from those shoes. Nylons, in the hamper. Grossed out panties that still haven't dried, definitely in the hamper. Bra? On the dresser, good for one more day. 

Naked. I am gloriously naked. If anyone ever knew I ran around my apartment naked they would probably bust an artery. I love this. It's very freeing. I'm so buttoned up and uptight and careful all day at work. It's like a release all in and of itself, to strip, turn the heat up a notch or two and walk around like I am Queen of all I survey. Buck naked, footloose and fancy-free. 

God, I hope there are no cameras on me! If so, they caught me dancing around my living room yesterday to the sounds of tribal African music, bare ass naked. That was fun. I have to do that again sometime. 

Right now, though, I need a bath. A nice long, relaxing, bubble bath. Here I come. Turn on the water. Little more, little more. Hot as I can stand it. Just right. Bubble bath. Two tablespoons. Retrieve razor from sink. Clean washcloth from the cupboard. Still have soap, shampoo and body puff in here. All set. 

Take a pee first. Don't want to have to get out in the middle of all that relaxation. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Shiver. Whoa! The piss shiver. Ahh, relief. O.K., now we're ready. 

Test water with toe. Hot! Ease it in. That's right. Heat spreading up the leg. Nice. Other leg. Hot! Ease it in. Heat spreading up both legs and into the abdomen. 

Squat, tap water with bottom. Oh! Little too hot, little too hot. Yeah. O.K. now. Sit back. Aaahhh! 

I love the feel of hot water lapping at my breasts. Scrub one leg, shave, careful. Careful, don't want any nicks. Scrub other leg, shave, careful. Look out for the damn curvy spot by the back of the ankle. Smooth skin over knee. Drag gently. Careful. 

Success! Smooth hands over legs, checking for stubble. Missed a spot. Scrape lightly. Smooth hands. Good job, no nicks. Rinse razor, set on edge of tub. 

There is a comfort in this ritual for me. I always bathe the same way. It calms me. I always wash the same body parts in the same order. It brings me back to my center. The steam rising from the bath always makes me feel relaxed and drowsy. Not so I would fall asleep, but just ... nice and relaxed. Soap body puff. 

Wash neck. Wash shoulders. Soap one arm, down, up down, up, into the armpit. Soap other arm, down, up, down, up, into the armpit. Resoap puff. Lean forward. Swipe at back from over shoulder. Swipe at back from under shoulder. Now, other side. 

Slide down, rinse. Resoap puff. Wash low back, don't forget the bunsker! In the crack, mustn't forget the crack. I hate how sweat gathers there inside those modern torture clothing accessories known as panty hose. You just know some idiot of the male species came up with that brilliant idea! 

Resoap puff. Wash tummy, check navel. No belly button fuzz, good. Ahhh, feels so good to rub this slightly scratchy puff over my skin, feeling it prick slightly and raise goose bumps. 

And for my final trick. The boobsters. Yes, folks. Think I'll take my time here. Left one first. Screw the puff. Soap the hands. Start in the armpit, slide underneath, cup, squeeze ... ahhh. Move hand around the outside, move in tiny circles, around, around, the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel! 

Move in one inch or so, repeat. Little more pressure. Push chest out a little so floating submersible breaks the surface and ahhh, fresh, cold air.Stinging pucker of nipple. Yyyeeeaaahhh. Perfect! Soap nipple. Nice and slippery. Rinse hand. 

Dunk breast, surface one more. Come on little girl, do your thing. Cold air. Dunk. Cold air. Dunk. 

Ahhhh. Nice. Standing at attention now. Grasp lightly between thumb and forefinger. Pinch with a slight twisting motion. Ahhh, shit. Always makes my crotch tingle. O.K., time for the other breast. 

Soapa, soapa, soapa. Screw taking as much time with this one. Soap thoroughly. Rinse. Right to the good stuff. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00! 

Dunk breast. Cold air. Dunk. Cold air. Dunk. 

Pinch, twist, and squeeze. Pinch, twist, and squeeze. 

"Ahhh, yeah, Mulder." Shit! Not him. Someone else. Someone else. Skinner? Nah, can't do it. Pendrell? Nope, too short, too wholesome. 

Who, who, anybody? There's got to be tall, dark, handsome man out there I can fantasize about. How about ... Tom Cruise? No. Too short. Like 'em tall and lanky, not short and stocky. 

Oh fuck. Forget it. I'm hopeless. Hazel eyes, blinking slowly. Mischievous grin. My fingers running through that chestnut hair, so soft. 

Pinch, twist, and squeeze. Pinch, twist, and squeeze. 

Ahhh. Time to disengage and multitask. Left hand, you just keep doing what you do best. Pinch, twist, and squeeze. Pinch, twist, and squeeze. 

Right hand, rub tummy, tweak navel, down, down, down. Scratch lightly through auburn forest. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. 

Left hand. We're going a little numb up here. Can't have that. Squeeze. HARDER! Oh yeah, that's it. Squeeze it. Squeeze it. Hard. So hard. Can't really squeeze it too hard. 

Squeeze hard, gush. Squeeze hard, gush, and tingle. Squeeze hard, gush, and tingle. Clit twitch! Yes! 

Middle finger, engage. Circle, circle, delicately now. Ahhh, yeah, little fluttering tingles. Pouting lower lip, plump, wet. Oh, I could suck on it, I could suck on it all day. Taste it with my tongue, suck it between my lips. Hands running up and down that hot, hard torso, golden skinned muscles rippling under my hands. Scratching flat male nipples. Lick them. Yeah. Lick the nipples, feel them bud up into tiny points. 

His cock. O.K., two fingers inside. Right now! Yes! Back and forth, in and out, up over the clit, down. Back and forth, in and out, up over the clit, back down. 

He's sucking my nipple so hard. I'm pumping his cock in my hand. It's big, I know it's big. Shit, I've seen him semi-erect when he was hurt and sick and it looked big then. Made me want to duck. Shit. 

I bet I could barely get my hand around it. Smooth velvet over rock hard steel. Yeah, baby. Come on. Impale me with that weapon. Three fingers in. In, Out, In, Out. Faster. 

Faster. Faster. Faster. Lift knees, slide down, pinch tit, bend elbow, bottom of palm above clit. Push, plunge, push, plunge. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Quiver. 

Push, plunge, twist nipple. Push, plunge, twist nipple, palm clit. 

Oh shit. Hold fingers inside. Swirl, palm clit. Swirl fingers, palm clit. Oh. Oh. Forgot the tit, Can't forget the tit. Squeeze it Mulder. Yes, squeeze it hard. No, suck it. Yeah! Suck it so hard, bite it! Even better. 

Big cock plunging in and out, hitting the clit, hitting the clit. Oh, big cock; fill me up. Yeah. Suck that tit, baby! 

"OOOOHHHHH, Jesus! Yyyeeess! Mulder, awww yes, you fuck me so good, so good. 

Here it comes, baby. Here it comes. Water splashing over side of tub. Don't care. Don't care. Come on, gotta come. Come on, gotta come. Oh please! 

Big cock, think big cock. Big fat Mulder cock. Yes! There we go. 

Waves, rippling waves that rock my world, rock my world, rock my world. 

Press clit, press clit, keep it going. Oh nipple hurts so good. 

Whoa! That was a good one. Better than the last one. Maybe the best yet. Damn you, Mulder, I'm hopeless. Nobody else does it for me anymore. That was quick and hard, but I may have to vibrate myself to another once I hit the rack. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep unless I do. I can't sleep anymore unless I fuck myself thinking about you. Pathetic. I'm doomed. 

He who sniffs after Dianas, Phoebes, Bambis and various other brunettes. He of the porn collection and big boob, long leg, screaming fuck me whore fan. Shit. 

Oh well. Time to eat something and crawl in for the night. It's early, but if I stay up I'll just get bored and angry. 

Out of the tub, dry off. Deodorant, check. Baby powder in the armpits, check! Baby powder in the crotch, check! 

Crotch. Damn. I need a trim. The old coochie lips are looking like they wear a bad toupee. Christ, when was the last time I did this? I look like bush woman from the ubangie. Shit. 

Beard trimmer. Where the hell did I put that beard trimmer. Medicine cabinet. Ah ha! Here it is. Batteries still work. 

Bbbbbbbuuuuuuuzzzzzzz! Yup. No leg razor getting near the oasis, baby. Beard trimmer for me. Lower toilet seat. Raise one leg, mirror under fanny. 

Bbbbbbbuuuuuuzzzzzz! Zippa one side. Zippa da udder side. Pull butt cheek to side. Zip nasty little bung hole hairs. Up, missed a spot. Through the groin crease left. Through the groin crease, right. Little off the top to square this triangle up. Perfect. 

Nope, not perfect. Scissors. Where are my hair cutting scissors. Beard trimmer back in cabinet. Scissors. Scissors? Ah, hiding under the brush. 

Don't need mirror for this part. Toilet seat up. Spread legs wide. Need a thinning action here. Body and fluff is fine for the head but hell on the crotch. I've been itching lately, I should have remembered. 

Snip, Snip ... Snip, snip, snip. Little more here. Little more there. All done. Cool. Flush hair down toilet. Dry hair a little more. 

Food, I need food. Into the kitchen, buck naked. Cool air feels good. Guess it's Swanson's frozen dinner for me tonight. I do NOT feel like cooking. Pop it in the nuker. Quick On, 9 mini - bbbeeeppp. 

Drink. I need Gatorade. Dehydrated from the bathtub shake, rattle and roll. Ahhhh, that's good. 

I really have to do something about this attraction to my partner. What to do, Dana? You're not really his type, but maybe you could work around that. I mean, if you wore lower cut blouses, left a few buttons open. You've got decent tits for a woman in her thirties. Maybe hem the skirts an inch or two higher. 

Stockings! I should wear stockings and garter belts. Fucking things are scratchy and miserable but men love 'em right? Then I could sit in my chair, hook a heel on the bar underneath, cross the legs, and make sure the skirt rode up high enough to see the top of the stocking. Sure, risqu for me, but I could do it! 

I could make a trip to Victoria's Secret tomorrow. I could pick up some semi see-through blouses. Maybe wear a black bra under a white shirt. I could do this. God, I've never tried to actively attract a man, but I bet I could do it. I can show foxy Fox Mulder that red heads are every bit as sexy as brunettes. I can do it. I'm gonna do it. Oh God, I have to try. 

* * *

* * *

**PART 3 (NC-17)**  
**FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT**  
8:00 PM 

It's ringing. It's ringing. It's ringing. Where the fuck is she? 

[Scully.] 

Best sexy growl, Mulder, come on. "Hey, Scully ...it's me." 

[Oh, hey Mulder, what's up? Are you feeling better?] 

"Feeling one hundred percent better. Took your advice, relieved some tension, hot shower. I'm like brand new." 

[Oh, glad to hear it. Did you get any rest?] 

"Not yet. Wanted to talk to you first before I went to bed." 

[You are definitely sick. Fox Mulder never goes to bed before 2:00 AM.] 

He chuckled. "You're right, but in the spirit of not getting sick, I thought I ought to try. Figured I'd lay in bed and read a good book." 

[You sleep in your bed?] 

Yes, but it's lonely in there, Scully. "Yes, sometimes." 

[You read?] 

He laughed again. "Yes, I read. I didn't make it through Oxford without having to crack some books, you know?" 

She chuckled low. God, I loved that sound. [I know, but that was a long time ago, I figured your evening entertainment ran more towards grunting and groaning silicone these days.] 

I snorted. "No, I haven't had the urge to watch any of those videos, you know, the ones that aren't mine." 

[I know the ones. No, huh? No urges?] 

Oh, wasn't she being brave. Was she flirting with me? This might be easier than I thought. "Oh, I have urges, Scully, plenty of them, but I've found other ways to take care of them. In fact, I'm trying to come up with some new ones." 

[Dare I ask?] 

"Do you really want to know?" 

[I guess not. We have wandered into dangerous conversational territory, here, Mulder.] 

"I like dangerous conversational territory." 

[You would.] 

"Wanna play, Scully?" 

[Play how, Mulder?] 

"Where are you right now?" 

[I'm in bed.] 

She's lying! "You are not!" 

[I am so. I got home, took a nice long ... satisfying bath. Then I ate and now I'm laying in bed ... with a good book.] 

"Are you yanking my chain?" Oh, I wish you would yank my chain, Scully. 

[No. I'm serious. The book isn't really so good though. I did fib about that.] 

"Ah ha! I knew you were lying!" 

[Mulder, did you call here for a reason?] 

"What are you wearing?" 

Silence. Oops. Moved in for the kill too quickly. 

[I'm wearing ... absolutely nothing right now, Mulder.] 

Gasp. Holy shit. Did she really want to play? Little Mulder was willing. Is it my imagination or did her voice just drop an octave? 

"Nothing, huh?" Is that my voice? 

[Mmm. I just get wound up in clothes when I sleep. I think it's much more comfortable to sleep nude, don't you?] 

"Yeah!" Shit. Voice cracked. Clear throat. Deep breath. "Yeah," low soft, much better. "I think you have a point there. Do you sleep in the nude always?" 

[You mean when we're on the road?] 

"Yeah." 

[Sometimes. I always bring pajamas, but in the summertime, I rarely dress for bed.] 

"You're killing me over here, Scully." 

[Killing you? How's that? Never figured your prudish partner would sleep in the nude?] 

Her voice was teasing, definitely teasing now. [Have I shocked you, Mulder?] Yup, definitely teasing. 

O.K., keep the voice level, keep it calm. "No, you've turned me on." 

Silence. Shit. I shouldn't be doing this. This isn't the time. Wine and dine her first before you let her know how much she turns you on. Wrong order, pal. Wrong order, you KNOW that. 

"Uh, sorry, Scully, I shouldn't have said that." 

[Why not? Were you being honest?] 

Breathe, Mulder, breath deep. "Yes." 

[Well, then I appreciate your honesty.] Back to her business voice. [Actually, I'm quite flattered. What turned you on, the fact that I said I was naked in bed or the fact that I sleep nude on the road sometimes.] 

Shit. Shit. Shit. My hand has a mind of it's own and it's already in my damn sweat pants and rubbing my hard one. Shit, I'm so hard already. Her voice! 

[Mulder?] 

"What?!" 

[Do you ever think about me when you touch yourself? Have you ever?] 

"Holy shit, Scully!" 

[Have you?] 

"Yyyeeesss." Oh god, I'm spanking the monkey while I have Dana Scully on the phone. What is the world coming to? 

[Hmmm, are you touching yourself now?] 

Grunt. "Ahhh, Scully, don't do this to me. This isn't the way it's supposed to go." 

[Huh? The way it's supposed to go? What way is that Mulder?] 

"I'm ... I'm ..." Slap, slap slap. 

[Masturbating by the sound of it.] Oh God, she can hear it. Oh God, her voice is like a purr. 

[Want me to talk you through it?] 

"Who are you and what have you done with the real Scully?" 

Peels of laughter. [She's taking a vacation. She's decided to let the other Dana come out and play.] 

Slow down, stroke gently. That's it. Make this last. Just squeeze, rhythmically squeeze. That's it, Mulder. 

"The other Dana?" 

[Yeah, the one that is taking great pride and immeasurable glee in disconcerting her normally glib partner.] 

"Oh, that Dana." 

[So, do you want me to talk you through it?] 

"You really want to do that? You want to have phone sex?" 

[Why not?] 

"Dana Scully, phone sex, same sentence. That's an oxymoron." 

[Do you or don't you?] 

Answer the question, idiot. "Awww, shit, yes." 

[Mmm, O.K., let's see. I'm picturing you now. You're probably laid out on your couch, on your back. One hand holding the phone to your ear. Your left hand. The right one is down your jeans.] 

"Sweats." 

[O.K., your sweats. Why don't you take those things off anyway?] 

Off with the sweats. Get the sweats OFF! Stuck on the ankle. Curse under breath. Shit! OFF! 

"THEY'RE OFF!" I sound like I just announced a greyhound race. Calm the fuck down. 

She's giggling. Great. And oh, it sounds so good. [You're not off yet, Mulder, but I'll get you there.] 

"Ahhh, shit, Scully." 

[Shall we continue?] 

"Hell yeah!" 

Another little giggle. [O.K., so your stroking yourself lightly.] 

"I can do that." 

[Are you leaking?] 

"Leaking?" 

[Are you excited enough yet to have precum leaking out of you?] 

Oh God save me, Dana Scully just said the word, 'precum'! 

"Yes." 

[Spread it, spread it over the silky head of your cock.] 

Cock! Dana Scully just said the word, 'cock.' "Done." Pant. Pant. Breathe deep, Mulder. Hang on here. Let's not blow the wad just out of the gate. 

[Good, now close your eyes. Pretend it's my hand stroking you. I'm kneeling between your legs, pumping you gently, fondling ...] She's clearing her throat, sounds a little embarrassed. 

Ah, please, Scully, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, oh please, please, please, please, please. She's taking a deep breath. 

[I'm gently rolling your balls between my fingers.] 

Balls! Dana Scully just said the word, 'balls!' 

[I'm leaning down now. Oh, my nipples are hard, Mulder. Feels good, rubbing them on the hair on your legs. 

"Christ!" 

[Hmm, he can't help you now, but I will. I will, be patient.] Pause. [Keep your eyes closed, lover.] 

Lover, oh my God, she called me 'lover.' I've died and gone to heaven. Oh God, I want the real thing. But her voice! This is the next best thing. If she ever wants to quit the FBI and medicine, she has a lucrative career waiting for her as a 1-900 operator. 

[Oh Mulder, I've dreamed about you. I've fantasized about you before, you know?] 

"You have?!" Voice cracked again, shit! 

[Yeah. I've imagined what it would feel like to take you in my mouth. I wonder if you'd be as hard, hard and silky as I think you would.] 

"Aaarrrggghhh!" 

[Very true. I agree. I want to see it, Mulder. You have no idea how much I want to see your cock. I've seen you before, you know. When you were sick. I've seen you partially erect.] 

Scully's seen my dick! Oh God. What did she think of it? She must be reading my mind. 

[It looked good, sooo good. It was only half-erect and it looked huge, laying there against your thigh. Thick. It's looked thick. Is it thick, Mulder?] 

"Uuuugggg!" 

[What was that?] 

"Uuuuggg!" 

[I'll take that as a yes.] Where the hell have my vocal chords gone to? They've sunk into my balls, that's where!" 

[O.K., so first, I would lick you all over, get you wet with saliva. Then I put just the head in my mouth and swirl my tongue around the top like an ice cream cone.] 

"Awww, awww, awww." 

[I agree. Then I drop down and take as much of that thick thing as I could into my mouth. I know it would make me wet. Shit, just thinking about it makes me wet.] 

"You like ...." Pant, pant. "You like to give ... head, Scully?" 

[I prefer the term, blow job. But yes, I love giving blow jobs.] 

"Ahhh, God, I'm dead. I am so dead." 

[No, not yet. Don't die on my yet. I've just starting sucking on you.] 

"Scully!" 

[Yes? Can't talk right now? That's O.K. I'll do it for you. So I bob up and down, taking as much of you as I can. I know you're big enough to hit the back of my throat, and it would feel so good. Did you know what, Mulder?] 

"Whaaa ...hhhuuuuttt?" 

[I have virtually no gag reflex. Never have. Isn't that interesting?] 

"Oh shit!" 

[You know what that means?] 

"Tell me. Sweet Jesus, tell me, Scully." 

[It means ... partner ... that I can deep throat without much trouble at all, as long as your not TOO thick. Comes in handy when you're a pathologist. Very hard to make me sick.] 

"Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, Scully! Oh God. I want you. I want you, Scully." 

[Do you? I thought you preferred brunettes. Or do you mean right now?] 

"BOTH! Wanted you for so long. Oh God. Come to me, Scully." 

[Mmm, not yet.] Pause. Nothing. She's pausing. Why is she pausing? Don't leave me hanging here, Scully! Sure, I could finish by myself now, but ... geeezzzz, don't leave me hanging. 

"Scu...Scully?" 

[Sorry Mulder, just thinking. So I don't think I'm going to let you come.] 

"What?" 

[I don't mean ever, silly! I mean this way. I'd suck you as hard as I could and take you down my throat until you were just ready to bust. Then ... I know a few doctors' tricks, Mulder. Haven't tried them out in a long, long time, but I'm sure they still work. I'd press this spot at the bottom of your shaft, on the underside, near your balls. Are they drawn up tight now, by the way?] 

"God, Scully, yes!" 

[I told you God can't help you know, but I'm going to, real soon. Any minute now as a matter of fact.] 

"Pppllleeeaaassseee!" 

[O.K., its O.K. I'd stop blowing you and crawl up to straddle your thighs. I'd kiss you silly, I'd put your hands on my tits. Would you pinch and roll my nipples for me, Mulder? If I asked real nice?] 

"Anything, Scully. You're a fucking Goddess, I'd do anything for you!" 

[Good to know. I may hold you to that later. But for now, just pinch my nipples. God they get hard just thinking about you touching them, you know that. Shit, I'm so wet right now. Unbelievable really, because I just masturbated in the tub earlier, thinking about your hands on my body and your big cock pushing into me. You wouldn't think I'd be this hot all over again would you?] 

"Scully, oh God help me. Did you come? Did you come, Scully? Thinking of me?" 

[Oh yeah. Always do.] 

"Shit!" 

[Let's finish this up, shall we? O.K., now, I'm just going to impale myself on you now. I'm not gonna do it slow, either, even though it's been forever and I know my muscles have tightened and my walls are constricted from little use. Even though I know you're so big it's gonna hurt. I'm just gonna rub you in my wetness to coat the head and then jam my body weight down and impale myself.] 

"Oh shit! Scully!" 

[Mmm. Yeah, that's it. Oh man, Mulder, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt so good.] 

"Uuuhhhhgggg!" 

[Then I'm brace myself with my hands on your shoulders and I'm gonna ride you. I'm gonna ride you hard and fast, tipped forward so my clit is crushed between us. Your gonna be in so deep and I'm gonna fuck you until you can't even talk any more.] 

Fuck! Dana Scully just said the word, 'fuck'! 

"Fffuuuuu...." 

[Like now. Just like now in fact. I'm riding you, Mulder. Can you feel it. Can you feel how tight I am inside, how wet? Huh? Oh yeah, Mulder, you're so hard, like velvet over steel. Hardly any give at all so it hurts a little every time I slam down and bounce back up. That's the way I like it sometimes. Hard, rough, fast, so it hurts just a little, combines the pleasure with the slight pain. So good that way.] 

"Aaaahhhhh!" 

[Can't talk now. Of course you can't, because I'm FUCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT! Now come for me, baby. Come for me, Mulder. COME FOR ME! NOW!] 

"OH, HOLY FUCK, SCULLY! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! Yes, Yes, yes, Awwwwwwwwwww, fuck!" 

Silence. I'm breathing so heavily I feel dizzy. Oh my God, I've never come that hard in my life. My hand is covered in spunk for the second time this evening. Jesus! Dana Scully just had phone sex with me! And willingly! 

Fuck the seduction. I'm just going over there tomorrow and grab her. Fuck the preliminaries. I'll date her later. I'll wine and dine her later. If I don't have my cock in her twat in the 24 hours, I'm gonna kill someone. 

"Scully?" 

[Yeah? Was it good, Mulder?] 

"The best. Only one thing would make it better." 

[Really? It could be better? Oh, I'm disappointed. I thought I just did a good job there.] 

"You did! That's not what I mean. It just wasn't ... real. It wasn't ... IDEAL." 

[Hummpphhh!] 

"You're taking this entirely the wrong way." Shit. Get it together Mulder. I know the top of your head just blew off, but duck tape the damn thing back down and don't fuck up this opportunity. 

[Am I? Ideal, Mulder? I guess I'm not. No matter what, I'll never Phoebe or Diana, or fucking Bambi whambi, fucking big-boob fucking brunettes!] 

"Hey, hey, hey! Scully! I just had one of the best orgasms of my life over here. Those women don't even hold a candle to you. Stop it! Stop this right now and listen to what I have to say, damn it!" 

Silence. Then, [O.K., quixotic man, Mr. Ideal, what do you have to say?] 

Deep breath, Mulder. "The only thing that would make it better is if it was really you, Scully. Really you touching me. Really you and not just your sexy voice over the phone." 

Silence. Try harder Mulder. 

"I'm in shock, Scully. Do you know why I really called tonight?" 

[No.] 

I blew my wad in a flurry of words, despite my earlier determination to be suave and debonair. "I was going to ask you to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night. I was going to dress in black jeans and a turtleneck and wear my black bomber jacket that you like so much. I wasn't going to cut my hair like I wanted to. I was going to leave it a couple more days because you told me not to cut it. I wasn't going to shave, because I've had women tell me I look ... sexier if I have razor stubble. And I wanted to look sexy for you, Scully. I wanted to look good to you. I wanted to take you to dinner, wine and dine and dance with you. And then take you home and polish off a bottle of wine in front of your fireplace. 

"I was planning my speech, Scully. I was planning on telling you how beautiful you are. How I love it when you don't straighten your hair and it falls in soft waves around your face. How I get lost when I look into your beautiful blue eyes. How they sparkle when you laugh and it takes my breath away. How I sometimes can't concentrate on what you're saying because all I can do is stare at your swollen red lips and think about sucking on them and licking them. God, you must taste so sweet, Scully. 

"And you have no idea what you do to me, do you? No fucking clue. God help me, Scully. You turn me on quicker, easier than any woman I've ever known. All you have to do is look at me with mischief in your eyes, be playful, tease me, and my heart is melting into my shoes. Sometimes you don't have to do anything at all. Just sit there being you, reading a file. Licking your lips, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear ... tapping your lip with a pencil, crossing and uncrossing your legs." 

Did she just gasp? She definitely gasped. "Seduction, Scully. I was planning the ultimate quixotic seduction. I wanted to be your ideal date. I wanted to say all the right things, wear all the right things, be ... your ideal man, even if it was for just one night. I planned a seduction, Scully. And instead, you ended up seducing me." 

I heard a sniffle. I don't want her to cry. But maybe this was working. At least she wasn't yelling at me. In fact, she was pretty quiet. Too quiet. Uh oh. "Scully?" 

[Oh Mulder, you already are.] 

"Already am what?" 

[My ideal man.] 

"Should I have my hearing aid adjusted, Scully?" I couldn't resist the tease. 

Oh God. She was giggling again. Thank God. [No Mulder. But you know what?] 

"What?" 

[I wouldn't mind having that date anyway.] 

"No?" 

[No. I don't think that would hurt at all.] 

"So, you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night, Scully. I mean, we are friends right? I don't need an excuse. I can just call up my best friend and invite her out to dinner because I want to have a night of dancing and relaxing, can't I?" 

[Yes. And I'd love to have dinner with you, Mulder.] 

"Good, pick you up at 6:00 PM, tomorrow night?" 

[Sounds good. Oh and Mulder?] 

"Yeah?" 

[Wear that outfit ... and the jacket. It drives me crazy.] 

I'm shaking my head in disbelief. This evening got so screwed up and yet, it was turning out fine, like it was meant to be. Maybe it was. 

"You got it, lady." 

[Don't shave either.] 

"You got it." 

[Wear those black boots you have with the square toe and the thick heel.] 

"Not my loafers?" 

[No. Wear the boots. I'm going to wear flats. I love it when you tower over me.] 

"You do?" 

[Yeah. I only wear the heels for work because I don't like anyone ELSE towering over me. You can skip the wine.] 

"O.K., boots it is. And the roses?" 

[Go with the roses. Roses are good.] 

"Anything else?" 

[Yeah, one more thing.] 

"What's that?" I just had my partner talk me through phone sex and whacking off and now I'm short of breath just hearing her soft, low alto whispering in my ear. Jesus, what this woman does to me. I feel like I'm in a waking dream. 

[Bring a change of clothes.] 

"A change of ....!" 

[Night, Mulder.] 

"Scully?" 

[You heard me. See you tomorrow ... quixotic man.] 

Heh, heh. "I'll be there with bells on." 

[Skip the bells, just make sure you bring your bottom lip with you.] 

"My bottom lip? You lost me, now, Scully. Not an uncommon occurrence, you understand, but ..." 

[Shut up, Mulder. I've been waiting over six years to suck on that bottom lip and you better damn well not leave it behind.] 

Oh Christ! I'm laughing. I am laughing so hard, I can't breathe. There are tears rolling down my face and my stomach hurts. I've gone completely over the edge. This must be a fucking dream. 

[Mulder?] How can she be so calm? 

O.K. Suck it up, bad boy. Deep breath. Again. There we go. Wipe the tears. "I'm O.K." 

[You sure, Mulder?] She sounds a little concerned now like maybe I have gotten hysterical and gone around the bend. 

"I'm sure." Should I say it? God, I want to say it. Yes. No. Yes. No. 

"Scully?" 

[Good night, Mulder.] 

"Scully, wait, one more thing." 

[Hmm?] 

Deep breath. "I love you." 

Was that a gasp. [Really?] 

"Really." 

[Wow. Well, ... I don't know what to say.] 

She won't say it back. I didn't really expect her to, not really. But it does hurt a little in the area of my chest. Well, since I blew the seduction and tomorrow is no longer a surprise, I need a new goal. Before tomorrow night is over, I'll have to get Dana Scully to say she loves me. 

I know I can do it. Yes, I'm sure I can. 

"Don't say anything, night, Scully." 

[Night, Mulder. Until tomorrow.] 

"Until then." 

Click. 

OOOOOOKKKKKaaaaayyyyy! Whew! I'm leaping off the couch now. I'm jumping in the air. I'm doing a little jig, my flaccid dick bouncing around, unrestrained by either boxers or sweats. "WoooooHooooo! Fox Mulder tilting at windmills?! NOT THIS TIME!" 

A voice comes drifting through my walls. {Hey, you over there, Don Quixote, shut the fuck up!} 

Some people have absolutely no sense of the ideal. None at all, poor slobs. 

**THE END.**   
  


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